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Just like how eventually every electrician gets shocked or a snake tamer gets bit, any real man will eventually go in trial for having sex with an underaged girl. It just happens, it’s not fun, but what’re you gonna do? That wasn’t a rhetorical question, what are you going to do? Are you going to sit there in a dumb tie and let everyone talk mad shit about you, or are you going to have some fun with it? We suggest the latter, and here’s how:

When your best bro’s testifying against you, try messing with him while he’s on the stand by making some fart noises. While he’s cracking up up there, maybe he’ll remember how good of bros you two were and he’ll stop telling everyone what you did to that poor girl.

When your gal gets to testify against you, try not to be nervous, and use an old public speaker’s trick to help calm your nerves – just picture her in her underaged underwear.

When the jury starts thinking about what a monster you are, give them a reason to root for you by endearing yourself to them – can you burp out “99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall”?

No matter how tempting it may be, never have sex with another underaged girl in the courtroom while the jury’s still in there.

Cough “bullshit” a bunch of times really loud whenever anyone’s testifying against you and wait until the bailiff comes over to subdue you. Then, offer to trade him Arian Foster for Beanie Wells if he goes easy on the beating (note: be sure he’s in your Fantasy League first before doing any of this shit)

If the prosecuting attorney is some hot lady lawyer chick, this could work in your favor. Act like you’re not interested at all in her (she should believe this because you’ve already proved that you only like to sleep with young girls), and get her super insecure about her aging looks. When she breaks down and begs you to sleep with her, go ahead and sleep with her teenage daughter.

If the gal was one of your students, definitely flunk her for the remainder of the semester.

When your lawyer’s not looking, steal one of his yellow legal notebooks and draw a bunch of penises all over his notes. That’s what he gets for being such a dick about not letting you sleep with any more underaged girls until the trial’s over.