Look, having your wife die is not cool. No one around here is saying that it is. What we ARE saying is that if you’re in the terrible position of seeing your loved one succumb to a terrible illness, there are some things you can do to make this experience a bit easier.
You know how – when your wife was normal – she’d always give you such a stink eye when you’d get rotten drunk? And you know how, like, when let’s say a highschool basketball player gets cancer and all his teammates then shave his head so he doesn’t feel bad about losing his hair? That’s what you tell your wife. You’re not vomiting from drinking too much at lunch, you’re doing it to make her feel normal about her vomiting (then slip her a breath mint).
When your wife is taking one of her marathon naps, steal her wheelchair for awhile and go join one of those hardcore wheelchair basketball leagues. Play for awhile and get to the championship. Then, when the big game’s on the line, hop out of your chair and dunk on their lazy asses!
If you’re lucky, her giant hospital bed you’re installing at your house will be too big to fit into the bedroom, so she’ll have to set up shop in the living room. You know what this means: you have the entire bed to yourself! Now you can beat off to the way she used be without being irritated by her gaspy breaths.
A cool thing her oncologist probably didn’t tell you about: the hot-ass hospice workers. And here’s a little secret — after all the months of lifting your dying wife’s body all over the place she will have completely toned forearms that’ll be perfect for those post-funeral hand jobs.
If your wife has a bit of a sweet tooth, no doubt you will buy her a bunch of candy to try and cheer her up in her last few days. But guess what? She’ll just puke up anything you try to give her leaving you with with a shitload of free candy ALL FOR YOU!
During her long sleepless nights on the living room hospital bed, your gal will no doubt like some memorabilia to remind herself of her former life. A nice thing to do would be to gather up all the pictures of you, her, and the kids and surround her bed with them, finally leaving plenty of free wall space in the bedroom for that Budweiser poster you always wanted.
Do you have a hot sister-in-law? Well, now would be a perfect time to get a hot-ass look down her blouse as she’s leaning over to kiss her sister good-bye one last time on the fore-head. Boner alert!!!