While tidying up for a big cocktail party where your boss is going to be in attendance, run around all frazzled freaking out about dumb stuff like if all the doilies are clean or something before suddenly yelling, “Holy shit, I need a hymen right fucking now. You got one?!?” When she’s like, “Why do you need one?”, scream back, “No time to explain, you got one or not??!?” If she’s a virgin she won’t hesitate to reach inside herself, rip out the hymen and toss it over to ya. If she hesitates, she’s a dirty whore.

Sometimes you can tell if a girl has had sex just by the look in her eyes. For instance, the first time you slide in that big ol’ ding dong of yours inside her, if her eyes saying, “Oh yeah, this again. Nice.” Then she’s probably had sex before. If, on the other hand, her eyes seem to be looking around the room for an object to smash you in the face with, then it’s best to forget about the whole virgin thing and just hurry up.

Another way you can tell if a girl has had sex is just by the way she walks. Especially if she’s walking out of a whore house.

Girls who smoke are are less likely to be virgins, which is ironic because who would want to sleep with a girl who so blatantly ignores the Surgeon General’s very clear warnings against the hazards of tobacco use!?!

Ask her a few questions about her old boyfriends. Like how big their dongs were, how veiny, how big the diameter of the penis hole, the consistency of the sperm, the roundness of the balls, how squishy the giant mushroomy penis head was, was it a freckly penis? What kind of moles are we talking about? Ask her if she has any pictures of these dudes’ penises. Look at those pictures for a long time. Now, with all these thoughts of penises floating around in your head, who gives a fuck if she’s a virgin?