So your special gal got that big promotion at work and she’s been invited to the annual conference — what do you do? You can’t tell her not to go, since she’s the only one who brings in money, so should you congratulate her?
This is the beginning of the end, dude, so you got to get off your fat ass, fly out there, and ruin her first big business trip.
By doing these 6 things, of course:
Sneak onto the flight your wife’s taking and dress up like a flight attendant and then be really aggressive about that ridiculous rule about having to turn your cell phone off at take-off even though it’s totally safe and there’s no way that would ever cause any sort of problem. (Let her keep her tray in the down position, however. That rule is just so fucking dumb no one should ever enforce it)
After sneaking into her Marriott and figuring out which room is hers, wait until you’re pretty sure she’s banging one of her hot-ass co-workers. Then bust on into the room and yell, “Ha! Caught you!”
(Unless the “Do Not Disturb” sign is on the door — someone could get into a lot of trouble for disturbing the guests that way).
Dress as a waiter at the big banquet where the head sales guy or whoever is giving some big speech, then wait until he tells his opening joke. Laugh at that joke so hard until you fall over and die. Let’s see that asshole get any more laughs after that.
Back at the Marriott, wait until she gets into the hot tub with another hot co-worker. Wait until 10:01 pm, one minute past the time that the hot tub is supposed to close, then turn her in immediately.
Another great way to get back at your wife would be to seduce the hotel maid, sweep her off her feet, promise to solve all of her problems (either marital or immigration). Send her to Rome and put her up in the nicest suite in town. Tell her you just have some business to take care of back home and you’ll follow her to Italy in few days. Never go, and sit back and watch your wife’s stupid face when she comes back from a meeting and she realizes her room is still not cleaned up!
Replace her laptop with a hologram machine. When she tries to turn it on to give her stupid Power Point presentation, instead of a bunch of slides and graphs and shit, have a big hologram shoot out depicting your wife doing something really stupid, like picking her nose or blowing her boss.