8 Tips To Planning The Perfect Sexy Week-End With Your New Girlfriend

Published on May 27th, 2011
It’s Memorial Day week-end and what better way to spend it than by banging your hot new gal pal? As great as that sounds, women are different than men, and actually want to do other stuff besides banging constantly (super gay, we know).
And what, pray tell, other stuff may we be yapping about? Well, stuff that gets her in the mood to start banging, of course! 

And here’s 8 of those things:

Take her to a fancy day spa to get His & Her massages. When your new gal isn’t looking, trying slipping her masseuse an extra 50 bucks to give her a “happy ending”. Then, secretly hide behind a curtain and watch the guy go to town on her, paying special close attention to where the hell her vagina is — this information could come in handy later.

Going on a nature hike is a great way to get those endorphins pumping while working up a sweat. Rent a dog for the day and pretend like he’s been your best buddy for years. Then, when she’s not looking, carefully nudge the little guy over the edge of a steep ridge, where he will plummet and explode on the rocks below. Now all you gotta do is act all sad while sitting back and enjoying the sympathy hand-jobs for the rest of the afternoon.

Two things you want to do with any new relationship:
1) look smart,
2) get drunk.
But how?
By taking her to your local library and surprising her with a bottle of Jack you have hidden in the non-fiction section?
No! You have to remember to leave your habits from being a free and single homeless man in the past.
The best way to look smart while getting buzzed is to take her wine tasting. Just say a combination of these things after each taste: “mmm, oakey”, “no tanins!”, “is this a Resiling?”, and “do I detect a hint of vomit?”

An easy date option is to go see a movie. If you can’t afford the steep ticket prices these days, just throw on the “Hangover” DVD and tell her you got a special advanced copy of “Hangover 2″. She won’t be able to tell the difference because IT’S THE EXACT SAME FUCKING MOVIE! HOW FUCKING DUMB DO THEY THINK WE ARE?!?! FUCK YOU, HOLLYWOOD!

Try cooking her a special dinner. If you can’t cook, an old bachelor trick is to buy some food at a local restaurant, throw away the containers, and pretend like you cooked it yourself! However, you don’t want her getting wise, so make it taste slightly worse than the restaurant’s food by adding some spoiled milk, rotting ham, a dead goldfish, the flu virus, and some nails (8 ½”). After she gets done using the restroom for a few hours it’s what we like to call around here Boning Time!!

To show your sensitive side, why not spend an afternoon helping those in need by volunteering at a food kitchen?
Sure, just stand there all day handing out food to fucking degenerates who are to lazy to work, while you’re at the office all day busting your ass listening to some jerk boss who doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground! Fuck you, Obama! You can shove that “health care” right in the you-know-where (where the sun don’t shine (which is, to say, your butthole (unless, of course, the sun really does shine there, in which case, I humbly apologize :) ))).


If things seem to be going well, it’s time to stop in a motel for a 7 hour fuck fest. Take a bunch of coke first, so you can’t come. Ladies love nothing better than when their guys can’t come and you just keep pumping and pumping away, hour after chafey hour.

And finally, we know you need to check in occasionally at home, but try not talking to your wife on the phone too much — girlfriends hate that.



photo of the three hotties at the bottom courtesy of Rick’s Cabaret New York Girls


  1. Posted by Kat on June 13th, 2011, 18:37

    Hilarious. The hardest part is finding a hot new girlfriend!


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