Everyone knows it’s easy to score at funerals where no one really important has died – like an old person or someone really dorky. But it takes a real pussy master to get into her panties when the services are incredibly, unbearably sad. Like at a little kid’s or something.
So man up, swallow your emotions, and make sure that on the afternoon of unspeakable sadness that her eyes aren’t the only things that are getting wet ;)
Follow these 7 tips:
If it’s one of those really sad funerals, it’ll probably be raining pretty hard at the cemetery. Use this as an excuse to huddle underneath her umbrella with her. When the child’s mom causes a distraction by throwing herself onto the tiny coffin and screaming, very casually switch the umbrella handle from her hand and replace it with your penis. (Now she’s holding your penis!)
If it was a mom who passed away way before her time, it may be really touching when her three kids get up and show a brave face by talking about how much they loved their mommy. Lean over to the closest hot chick and say, “If it were my mom that just died, I wouldn’t have to count on my siblings for support. What a bunch of pussies.” Girls like confident dudes.
The priest will no doubt be yapping about God and stuff, which will cause a lot of people to ponder what their definition of heaven is. “My face, your crotch” you whisper in her ear, careful not to let the surviving family members hear you. She’ll probably suppress a little laugh at first, then think about how awesome you are.
Girls always like cool detectives, so be sure to accuse the surviving parents of murdering their child.
After a few speeches talking about what a great kid that just died was, be sure to whip out your cell and start texting so she’ll know that you’re one of those important dudes that has to be in constant contact with people otherwise the financial systems or some shit will collapse. When the speaker has to stop to choke back tears, use that opportunity to yell out cool business man stuff like “I told you to sell, dammit! Are you fucking retarded?!?!”
If it’s a young child, you should be prepared for the following: the mound of dirt covering the child’s casket is unbearably cute. It’s just so tiny! For maximum cuteness, place a pair of oversized jumbo sunglasses on the mound, and watch your gal just melt with horniness.
Be sure to tip the funeral director, so he’ll look the other way when you and your gal get a threesome going later with one of the other corpses.