Female Beavers Are Less Compensated Than Male Beavers

Published on February 28th, 2011

Female beavers are not to be respected.

A new report by the Bureau of Tobacco and Firearms came out today proving definitively that in the adult beaver community, female beavers typically receive 70% less wood in compensation for their dam building efforts than male beavers.

“The female beavers work just as hard as the male beavers at building dams. They forage for mud to use as a sort of glue to bind the logs, and forage for the logs themselves. They just aren’t compensated for their efforts at an equal level,” noted Kevin Anderson, the biologist who headed the study.

Anderson and his fellow experts surveyed beaver communities all over the American Northwest and found that female beavers have a long history of unequal compensation that seems to be justified by the fact that while female beavers work just as hard as male beavers, they do tend to take longer to roll the logs into the rivers.  This may, however, be because it is traditional in most beaver communities to bind the female beaver’s feet when they are infants, so that by the time they are adults their feet are small, and irregularly shaped. This practice is widely understood to be on account of the universally accepted fact that female beavers with small, irregularly shaped feet are just hotter to fuck.

“It is hotter to fuck female beavers with bound feet,” noted Anderson, “but it does hinder their ability to contribute to the productivity of the beaver community, and frankly, the beaver community is ignoring those long-term costs.”

The ramifications of this new finding in our own human community are monumental. If female beavers get compensated less than male beavers, it justifies female humans being compensated less than male humans. After all, we all remember the second to the last thing Albert Einstein, the smartest person who was ever born, said as he lay dying, his pale, thin frame shaking as he struggled to get out the words: “If it’s true for beavers, it’s true for people.” And, also, the very last thing Albert Einstein ever said, “If there is one thing that I ever said that is absolutely true, it is that last thing I just said.”

In other words, if we pay women as much as men, we are basically shitting all over Albert Einstein.

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(Images Via: http://www.mammalz.com/UserFiles/2007/5/30/beaver.jpg, http://fohn.net/beaver-pictures-facts/images/beaver-1280×1024.jpg)

 

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