7 Things You Need To Know About Sex So You Can Pretend You’ve Done It

Published on November 24th, 2010


by Chucky G

If you’re like me, then you’ve had a ton of sex. If you’re not like me, then you suck, and you’re probably a virgin who’s never even done it with a girl! Ha ha ha!

Anyway, the next time you talk to a dude like me, the guy will be like, “Oh, last time I was with a girl, she was screaming things like, ‘Yeah, put your penis inside of my vagina!'” because guys like me have been in that situation numerous times.

So how can you possibly continue the seemingly impossible charade of not being a total virgin homo?

Never fear! Chucky G has some hot insider tips to teach you how to pretend you’ve banged before:

1. Remember: the orgasm comes at the end of the sex act. Almost always.

2. When your friends are talking about their favorite aspects of the love making act, mention that you particularly prefer how your reproductive organs line up with your partners’ reproductive organs.

3. When your friends ask you where on the body the vagina is located – don’t panic! Just point to your head and say, “doesn’t matter, because the biggest sexual organ is in the mind.”

4. Remember: the left boob is the “sex” boob, while the right boob is only for nursing and other maternal duties. Never touch it, or look directly into the eye of the nipple.

5. Just in case anyone asks to see your penis, always keep a condom on so people know you just finished doing it.

6. Always answer the phone by saying, “Hello? I’m sorry, one second, I am in the middle of a sex act. As per usual.”

7. When in the midst of any sex conversations with friends remember three key phrases, “Pfffttt… been there!” “I also know exactly how that feels.” “That’s what’s so great about sex… all those parts of sex you’re referring to.”

So get to it, Don Juan. ;)

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AUTHOR INFO: Chucky G is all about girls, sports, cars, San Diego, awesome gadgets, being a dude, bustin’ chops, happy hour, bangin’ skanks, USA, untorn ACLs, safe sex, Pinocchio, Rock n’ Roll (not that pansy shit everyone listens to!), complaining about whatever girl I’m dating at the time, passive-aggression, working on my self-esteem.

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(images via lh5.ggpht.com memetrics.files.wordpress.com, bullz-eye.com)

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