An Old Sailor With A Dark Past Reviews The New iPhone!

Published on November 3rd, 2010

By Captain Buckwell P. Torment, Beleaguered Captain of the Windsor Stout/ MANosterone technology reviewer

Twas a dark night on an even darker sea when I first got me hands on the Iphone. Waves like razor-sharp boulders cracked so hard against the side of me ship that I felt for sure we would be torn apart even before we were dragged down into the depths to be feasted on by passing schools of tuna and marlin. Being the captain, I stood, lashed to me mast head, fingers bleeding from the soak and the whip-crack wind, trying not to drown standing up. Twas a drowning feeling not unlike the feeling of drowning under all those applications available for the iPhone. I mean, there’s something for everyone!

Lashed there, one fist to the sky, shouting to God or the Devil to kill us all, kill us all and be done with it, I found the Iphone app demos to be user-friendly and enjoyable. But there was nothing user-friendly and enjoyable about the clouds above us, sending down shock after shock of lightning into the frigid water that for a moment lit up the belly of the sea from below so that it looked like hell itself was charging up to meet us.

Speaking of charging, the Iphone holds its charge for a refreshingly long time. But there was nothing refreshing about the memory that suddenly struck me as I stood there watching my boat be torn apart: the memory of the day the sea lept over the bow during a sudden storm, as we were traveling the Cape of Good Hope, and stole my poor son Charles, dragging him over the side of the boat and down to his slow and bitter end under the water. I remember running over to call for Charles, but my foul grinning bitch of a wife, the sea, had swallowed him whole, contenting herself on my torment.

But her contentment was nothing compared to the contentment you’ll feel with the Iphone’s three year warranty, which guarantees users that Apple is sure it has crafted an exceptional product. Although, as usual, the Iphone lacks any kind of open source. So users will have to rely on Apple to make sure great applications keep showing up. I just wish Apple would release a new version of Charles, oh… how I miss my beloved Charles.





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