Sledge’s Guide To The Only Three Cars Worth Owning

Published on June 16th, 2010

By Sledge

Sledge may be the 11 time UFC world champion, but that doesn’t mean Sledge spends all his time in the cage. Sledge also enjoys getting out on the open road, provided the car he is driving is big enough to run over a school bus, or powerful enough to destroy most or all of the people in his life. Very few cars are tough enough for Sledge. If Sledge sees a Toyota Prius he generally hits it until it evaporates or he eats it.

Here are the only three cars worthy of real men:

1. The Hummer H2: Sledge believes firmly that any car worth its salt should produce so much exhaust that if you turn it on near a tree, that tree instantly dies. The Hummer H2 is the only vehicle in the world that has a 99% tree killing rate. Plus, Congress recently passed a law that if you are driving a Hummer H2 and you hit a dog you are allowed to leave the scene of the crime, because the Hummer H2 is so hard to see out of it’s probably not your fault.

2. The Nissan Armada: Sledge has one philosophy and only one philosophy: Might Makes Right. Almost no cars are as mighty as the Nissan Armada. The Nissan Armada is the only car that comes fully equipped with surround sound Bose speakers, a Gatling gun, and an attractive Asian nurse. Sledge is also of the opinion that cars are only worth owning if they are named after either a fleet of warships or a national tragedy.

3. Grave Digger: While Grave Digger isn’t technically legal to take on the freeway, that has never stopped Sledge before. The best thing about Grave Digger is that if a cop tries to pull you over you can just back up and destroy him. *Money Saver Tip: Any person with even a little bit of knowledge will tell you that your masculinity is directly correlated to the number of skulls you have painted on your car. Worry not! Grave Digger comes with 107 skulls already painted on it. Saving you a pile of money you can spend on other MAN important items like protein powder and Chuck Palahniuk short stories.


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AUTHOR INFO: Sledge is the 11 time UFC world champion. Sledge takes no prisoners. Sledge is 314 lbs. 311 of those lbs. are muscle. The other 3 pounds are also muscle. Sledge will not tolerate you unless you defeat Sledge. To date, no one has been tolerated.

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(images via lh3.ggpht.com, memetrics.files.wordpress.com, break.com)

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